the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
