when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I love having hate sex.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
