please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I love you. Go after that dick
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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