totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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