My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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