his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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