yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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