I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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