I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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