and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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