If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
