Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
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I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
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There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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