I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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