Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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