I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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