Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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