Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
