Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
