You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
