I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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