a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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