Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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