turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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