I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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