your parents love me but you hate me
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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