remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
