Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
