My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
