I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
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I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
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Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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