And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
well you can't waste a boner
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
