I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
