Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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