There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
They have beer where we have blood.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
