this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
