i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
