I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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