Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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