I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
