Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
We're too hungover to prance.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
