I don't usually arrange sex via text message
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
