Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
