I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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