They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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