This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
