my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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