so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
two words: eviction party
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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