Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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