Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
