and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
