apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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