i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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