His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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