i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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