he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
