i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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