He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
