im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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