The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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